This poem resonated with me so strongly after my abusive relationship. A little over eight years later, this poem still sits so proudly on my heart, especially these lines. To me, these words illuminate light on any bad situation. Being strong-willed when these occasions occur, they will not keep you down. You will get through it, and you WILL RISE UP!
I've been contemplating this subject for a while and whether or not I should share my story. But I figured this is an important subject to touch on, and if my story can help relate to anyone who was or is currently struggling through an abusive relationship, maybe my story will help in some way.
About 8 years ago I got myself out of an emotional and physically abusive relationship. When things got broken off, it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. After three years with this toxic person, I felt FREE! But the mind games didn't stop there. Even after we broke up he was still trying to find ways back into my life. For almost a year after, I was still being haunted by his actions.
He was stalking me on social media as well as physically stalking me. If I were to run into him while out, he would be waiting for me at my house. It was like a scratched CD, same story over and over-
- He was sorry
- He loved me so much
- He just wanted me back
With every rejection, his sad puppy demeanor would change and he would rage. Throwing every insult imaginable-
- I would never find anyone who loved me as much as he did
- He was "letting" me get all my "single" energy out.
- I'm surprised you haven't come crawling back to me
He also went as far to say that all the people that I called friends were never really my friends. They were just using me and they were wanting to tear us apart...Psycho right?
Well people, this is what you call a mentally unstable person.
To back track a little, this was just a taste of what I was getting for the three years I was with this person. When I first met him, I was head over heels. He knew exactly how to talk to me, tell me things that I never heard anyone say to me ever before. He was the sweetest person and treated me like a princess.
I was in the last months of my senior year and he ended up being my prom date. I was on cloud nine! Finally someone who treated me with the love and respect I always dreamed of, or so I thought.
Granted the whole relationship was not bad. We had some really good times too. In this relationship I did learn a lot and made some great friends along the way. We had some great memories and mini road trips as well. However the red flags started to show up slowly-
- Small comments
- Unnecessary probing
- Flirtatious nature
- Jealousy
- Machista attitude
- Cheating and Lying
The first time he hit me, we were laying down and having a conversation about one of his exes. He told me that there were times he would get so angry with me that he just wanted to hit me. Being that that's a phrase I hear pretty often, I didn't take it seriously. I egged him on telling him to hit me if it made him feel better. All I remember is him closing his eyes and next thing I know a hard slap in the face.
Immediately he regretted what he did as I started to cry and told him to get out. He was begging me to please forgive him, his excuse was that when he did it, all he saw was anger. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him and to never call me again.
After I closed the door behind him I went up to my room and cried. I couldn't believe that someone I loved and cared for would ever get physical with me. Let alone, I never thought a man would EVER do that to me.
He kept calling me after that of course. Apologizing for what happened and to please give him a second chance, justifying it would never happen again. At the time I was naive and all I knew was that I still loved him. I convinced myself that it was my fault, I had instigated him to hit me after-all. I deserved what he did to me. So I forgave him.
Throughout the relationship, I was being emotionally mind-fucked, and I didn't even know it. One moment he would be the sweetest most caring person ever, spoiling me from head to toe. Then whenever we would get into an argument, he would twist it around and the problem was always me. I was the one being overly dramatic-which in many cases was just speaking my mind. He would tell me that I was stupid for feeling the way I did at those moments. Too many countless fights I would end up in tears, which would normally lead to me saying that I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be in this kind of relationship. All those countless times I was ready to walk away, he would use the sirens song and lure me back in. It was an endless cycle, and I couldn't seem to find a way out.
The second time he hit me, a friend of ours was a witness. There was already tension in the air because he had argued with me about driving home. He had insisted that he was okay to drive until our friend told him he wasn't. He then reluctantly sat in the back seat.
He had already begun his trash talk, saying things about me while our friend was in the car. She kept laughing it off trying to make light of the situation. Feeling embarrassed for the things he was saying I kept quiet.
Eventually, he got sick. Aggravated I pulled into a gas station parking lot where I went to grab napkins and water from inside. As I was cleaning him up, in a radical moment he yelled at me, blurting to get off him, saying that he knew I didn't love him and then slapped me hard across both sides of my face. I recall telling him, with tears in my eyes- Fine, do it your fuckin' self, I'M DONE! and walked away.
Realizing what he had done he began to apologize. In means to get me back to the car, he began to cry and make a scene. He kept telling me he was sorry, he hadn't realized it was me who was cleaning him up using excuses such as: he's drunk, incoherent, blah blah blah...Finally, just to have him stop, I got back in the car took our friend home and then took him home.
Since he had picked me up before the party, I had no ride home, and I was not about to take his car. I called the only person who I could think of and he came to pick me up.
When I got in the car he saw that I had been crying. He asked me if we got into a fight and I said yes. He then asked what had happened, I just told him he was being a big asshole. Sensing there was something more, he probed and he asked me if he hit me. I stayed quiet and didn't look at him. He asked me again- Did he HIT you?!--silent and ashamed I couldn't get myself to look at him and say yes. But he knew, I knew he knew. I insisted that he please take me home.
As we arrived at my house, I apologized for calling him so late and to tell his gf that I was sorry for waking them up. He looked at me and said- It's okay. I'm glad you called, just PLEASE call me if you need anything. Get some sleep. I said goodnight and closed the car door.
Crawled myself into bed and cried myself to sleep.
A week had passed, and I agreed to a meet up. Supposably, my mind was set that it was over, and I wasn't going to be convinced otherwise. Despite my initial self convincing, he pulled me back in with his song.
At this point, you're probably thinking, how can this girl have been so dumb to keep letting this happen. So many chances to get out but didn't take it.
'Til this day I can't fully explain in words as to why I stayed. A lot of it was fear, and self doubt. Also the fact that I had been so broken down emotionally, I was in a total mind-fuck. I was afraid of what would happen if I did leave. I was afraid of being alone, and he had embedded the thought in my head that no one else would want me, and I was lucky to have him. This kept the knobs turning on an insane cycle with empty promises.
It wasn't until I started bringing my friends to the house parties that they pointed out the odd dynamics to our so-called relationship. They made me see what I had been denying to myself. They even went to the extent to call him out for his actions towards me. Although his reaction was to laugh it off and say he was joking, I knew that he was fuming inside.
Finally accepting the relationship I was in, and with encouragement and strength, I submitted to the fact that this treatment was NOT okay. I needed to get out. However I didn't know how, and I needed a plan. The craziest fact I couldn't fathom was that I still loved him.
Eventually, things started to get more intense and he started to pull away.
Daily visits became less frequent and with this, I saw my opportunity. I gave him an ultimatum and told him we were to either work our relationship out, or we were done, FOR GOOD. I made sure I made that last point VERY clear. Once we were done, we were DONE.
He chose to not work it out and to go our separate ways. He said he didn't love me anymore and he had been wanting to break up with me for a while. Although it was the outcome I wanted, it still stung and with tears accumulating, I gave him his keys and walked away--for good.
As you read in the beginning, that's when the real crazy came out. Stalking me in every way possible.
Things took a traumatic turn when I ran into him in downtown. Avoiding him throughout the night and telling him to leave me alone, must have triggered the ultimate fuse.
When I got home that night, already asleep, I suddenly woke up. Immediate fear overcame me when I saw that he was right there, inside my room, next to my bed, watching me sleep.
Shaken but in a calm voice, I asked him what he was doing in my room. He told me he wanted me back and that all he wanted to do was talk. In his hand, he had my phone and as I tried to get it back, I compromised with him. I told him I would speak to him, but not inside, and once we were outside he had to give me my phone back. In an agreement, we made our way quietly down the stairs.
I was freaking out inside, he had this look on him that chilled me to the bone, but I stayed calm and kept quiet. As we got to the bottom of the stairs, instead of going towards the door he went towards the kitchen. I reminded him that we needed to go outside to talk. He shook his head and grabs a knife. My heart beating I told myself to slow my breathing. I backed away and told him to put the knife down. He told me that he loved me and if I wasn't going to be with him he was going to kill himself. After some convincing, he eventually put the knife down and I quickly made my way outside, making sure he stayed in front of me.
My plan for when we got outside was to grab my phone, run myself back inside and call the police. Instead, to prevent any other rash actions, we sat outside, and as promised, talked. Ultimately, he gave me my phone back. Throughout the time speaking, I was trying to formulate a plan to make my way back into the house without him coming after me.
He kept trying to get close to me and told him if he did I would press send to call 911. In that instant, he reached out and grabbed my private. With an ugly smirk, he said it was always going to be his. I pushed him away and told him to get the fuck away. He launched himself at me and in means to grab my phone again, he put my arm in a lock and started to punch my hand so I would let go of my grip.
My adrenaline kicking in, I was in total fight or flight mode. He then intended to swing at me and in self-defense, I dodged his swing and hit his face in order for me to get away.
As I ran up the driveway, he grabbed me from behind and instinct taking over again, I elbowed him right in the nose, causing him to stumble away. I ran inside and locked the door. Heart pounding, whole body shaking, I looked up to see my sister coming down the stairs. She had heard the whole thing from her room and asked me if I wanted her to call the police. I shook my head yes and all the adrenaline was gone, I broke down to my knees.
The police came to the house, and another squad car had stopped him at the top of the hill. He ended up being charged with a DUI, assault, and breaking and entering. He was being taken right to jail.
The police officer asked me my story as to what happened and took pictures of my bruised hand and lip. The police officer also took my sister's story down as she was a witness.
Never in my life would I have thought something like that would ever happen to me.
After paperwork and court orders, I got a three-year criminal restraining order against him. After everything was said and done, I still wasn't right with myself. It was such a long process to get that restraining order, I didn't really have time to heal myself.
Trust that this wasn't easy. I was paranoid for a very long time. I resorted to different forms of "therapy" by partying and getting drunk. But my deep-rooted feelings would always surface.
Thanks to the patience of my family and close friends, I was then able to build myself back up. I worked out to relieve the stress and angst in a healthy way. Went back to school and took up other activities to keep myself busy. I would learn to grow from this trauma and become a stronger person for it.
Til this day, I get asked how I got through it. How is it that I have composed such a good attitude.
One of my biggest processes was time. Taking time for myself and really realizing that I needed help to fully understand and accept what I went through. Also coming to the understanding that I would rather live my life, learn and grow from my experience, than live in misery. I am who I am today because of this experience.
Don't get me wrong, I am still very cautious about who I date. If in any way I feel there are red flags that will lead me down that path again, I turn and walk the other way.
I'm not trying to make excuses for people who have abused others in a relationship. But in this case, my ex had some mental issues he was not in tuned with and had many demons inside. I became his outlet for these demons.
I'd also like to express the fact that it is NOT always MEN who cause abuse. WOMAN are very much capable and just as guilty of domestic abuse and violence.
My advice to you is to be careful who you give your heart to; I know this is easier said than done. However, if you ever feel afraid and need to find a way out, and don't know how to go about it, speak to someone you can trust. This can be someone close to you, whether it'd be a co-worker, family, or friend. If it wasn't for my friends, I don't know if I would have ever had the courage to leave that relationship.
All it takes is one person to point it out and give you the courage to break free.